Stuff Green People Like - Goji Berry

How would you be feeling if you were a Goji Berry? The economy is in the shitter. There's all kinds of price competition in the superfruit arena with blueberries, cranberries and black currents. And then the Acai Berry comes along locking up the luxury superfruit market, touting all of its special properties, from detoxification to enhancing sexual performance.

Luckily the Goji Berry is a greenie favorite. The Goji Berry only grows in the high mountains of China and Tibet, but greenies allow for the deviation from their "local only" diets for this special treat. And who wouldn't be willing to sacrifice a little CO2 emission for the laundry list of health benefits, including life extension, spirit brightening and kidney health.

Some Goji options include Goji Juice, Goji Granola (another greenie favorite) and even carob or chocolate covered Goji Berries. But don't be fooled by the beautiful color or expense of this berry; it tastes like shit!

If you have any physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, digestional, etc, etc, etc problems, add Goji to your diet and you will be cured.*

Oprah loves Goji Berries. Don't you want to be more like Oprah?




*this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA and I made it up.

Stuff Green People Like: Acronyms. (Absurdly Contrived Representations Of Names Yielding Mass Stupefication)

You know you're in a crowd of greenies when you CUADWTS (can't understand a damn word they say). Acronyms were cool and useful back when they were used to abbreviate long and difficult things to say, as in light amplification by the stimulated emission of radiation (LASER), Deoxyribonucleic Acid (DNA) or Bring Your Own Booze (BYOB).

Today greenies use them in place of sentences. Apparently they don’t realize the history of acronym overuse. If they did I doubt they would want to be associated with some one the greatest offenders, the United States Navy, whose acronyms include "ADCOMSUBORDCOMPHIBSPAC," meaning "Administrative Command, Amphibious Forces, Pacific Fleet Subordinate Command" and COMNAVSEACOMBATSYSENGSTA which stands for "Commander, Naval Sea Systems Combat Engineering Station."

Some of my favorite greenie acronyms include EMS – meaning environmental management system OR energy management system, depending on the user. The best way to determine what a colleague is referring to, without sounding like a fool for asking, is to check for a pocket protector. If a pocket protector is present, you're likely dealing with an engineer who is referring to an ENERGY management system. If dressed in Patagonia (for more info on what you're dealing with read post Patagonia), you're dealing with an overpriced hip executive who is likely referring to an ENVIRONMENTAL management system.

CSR – meaning “Corporate Social Responsibility” or more likely meaning Cut Sustainability Resources (but still want to market something).

Greenie Tip of the Day: Try to incorporate “AHOYA,” meaning “asshole of the year award”, into a work related conversation today. If you're dealing with a greenie they won’t know what you're saying but be too afraid ask (Beware, avoid using it with superiors, as a greenie they will likely Google it when they get home.)

Back to work before I get my BPO (business process outsourced)!

Stuff Green People Like: Patagonia

Patagonia, also known as "Patagucci," is the uniform of greenies. For those of you not in the know, Patagonia designs, markets and sells clothing for outdoor adventurists (and yoga). They have recently launched a "carefree sophistication" marketing strategy, which perfectly targets the new age green executives, who have been searching endlessly for a socially acceptable alternative to their traditional staples for Friday casual wear such as J. Crew and L.L. Bean.

"Green and natural" moms can also find their necessities from Patagonia, such as 25 dollar organic cotton low-rise thongs, the hippest yoga tops, or even trail running skirts. If you're a little more adventurous, check out the Women's Finn shoe. This 100% vegan hiking shoe is Greenie dream footwear, having won the 2007 Outside Green Gear Award.

Wanna get risque, while still saving the planet? Try bending over in these:

Patagonia also has almond butter and jelly resistant clothing for the green child, such as the baby synchilla® vest, made from 85% recycled polyester. God knows if you don't buy this vest for little Johny there will be no planet left when he's all grown up.

While you're browsing for cashmere hooded sweaters or $400 waterproof jackets you might check out Patagonia's suggested reading list, which can be found here. This is a great resource for Green People who can't bear the idea of being out read. It includes Greenie classics such as The Omnivores Dilemma, some hardcore enviro fiction in the Monkey Wrench Gang and, for the total longshot, Harvest For Hope by Jane Goodall.

The only thing the Patagonia website is missing for Greenies is a Blog on the latest environmental degradation, but wait, it's got that too!

For the double green whammy, order your Patagoina branded Sigg bottle (as shown top left) at www.patagonia.com